Gin, Douthat, Indie Girls
This is A Gin InduceI'm not kidding when I say this was written at 2 a.m. under the influence of Gin. Of course that gin followed the Woodford Reserve (the bar in Clarendon was out of Maker's Mark). My fingers feel heavy. But I took a look at the usual suspects and have rendered judgement.
Everyone is dead wrong. I have to get this out before the influence of the gin fades away. Guys DO NOT want the indie girl - the "manic depressive, without the depressive part." They do want the girl who will save them from themselves but it boils down to this: Any man worth his salt wants a woman who will lift him up when he has cast himself too far down, and who will put him down when he is on cloud nine. Men do not want our women to be nerds. Men want women to redeem us from our nerd-dom. Instinctively we know that women are emotional on the outside; they want "connection", and "to be on the same wavelength" - etc etc... But at their core - women are calculating. First and foremost, they have to protect themselves and their children from men who are stronger than they are. When all the lovely trappings of civility are stripped away: when the man has lost his job and seems unwilling to find work, when he can't pay the bills, when he proves himself a third or fourth time to be irresponsible with the resources needed to maintain the lives of the woman and the children - she will make the cold rational decision to leave. Men, on the other hand can survive, as Dave Chapelle wisely noted, in a cardboard box. The only reason we get dressed, the only reason we shave, or buy furniture from Crate and Barrel; the only reason we love wine, or learn about sports, or politics and philosophy is to impress you. It may be indirectly. You may not care about philosophy. But you care that we took the trouble to learn about Descartes and Kant; that we can out duel each other in our ability to explain these things - and on and on. The only thing we do for ourselves and our own enjoyment is start and maintain blogs. Men appear to be rational and calculating on the outside - but it is only (I cannot emphasize this enough) because we are entirely at the mercy of women. Because men are hardwired to "have dominion" - to control, to rule over, to dominate - and because modernity presents us with so many structures, processes and institutions which we depend on but do not control - we often seem distant, or calculating. We become "players" because we are afraid you will reject us. But at our core - we absolutely need you. I'm sorry it turned out this way. Men buy into the late medieval idea of man absolutely abdicating his will (his life)to the mere whims of our beloved. At least, we buy into it more than women do.
If a man has treated you badly it is most likely because you betrayed the idealized version of yourself to him. You slept with him, when he believed you to be so pure that you could redeem him from his lust. You gave into his will, when he knew his will to be disordered. I've said too much already.
A note on Indie Girls: Indie Girls, that is to say, girls who study, with Jesuitical fervor, fine distinctions in rock genres, who take time to browse through vintage clothing shops to find the perfectly alluring mix of "old fashion" and contemporary fashion to make themselves (what I call) "archetypal strangers", are attractive. Without subordinate clauses: Indie girls are attractive. Guys in their thrall will spend hours thinking of the "perfection" that is their red shoes. Red shoes, under well fit jeans and a well tailored shirt, with distinctive shoulders. Her sable-made hair with a group or strands that gets in her eyes just so. Her walk. Her professed liberalism but instinctive conservatism. The way she casually talks about her friends' casual use of drugs. When you mention the bass line to Beck's song "Paper Tiger" she tells you: "I knew you were going to say that." She looks at you and makes a gesture and mentions her "Spidey sense."
If you fall for the Indie girl for any one of these reasons, she will begin to disrespect you. I'm too tired to explain it now - but it is true.
Another note: If you do fall for an indie girl, at least keep one bit of self respect: Never, ever pretend that you like Ani DiFranco. EVER.
Relevant links: Ross and Peter.
Michael Brendan Dougherty
in Culture, Under the Influences, Fashion
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9 Comments
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Reader Comments (9)
Or is this confusing indie with hipster? We are awash in overlapping categories with dangerously little meaning: we know indie, we know hipster, when we see it. But the prevailing type seems to preserve any pose between 1977 and 1988 not out of instinctive conservatism but emotional paralysis - harkening back to a time before the innocence of youth was hamstrung and ultimately destroyed by parental divorce, bad school dance experiences, drugs, unhappy sex, and 9/11.
Would that the lifestyle response was suitably restorative in some other way than rephrasing the high and low points of 70s-porn and 80s-punk fashion. Wear what you want, certainly, but I long to hear more on what inner secrets of the indie-girl mind strike instinctively conservative tones in the 2 a.m. ear.
Nothing hurts men's relationships more than the myth that they also don't desire connection and intimacy. The reason why you learn about sports (or poker or whiskey) isn't to impress women it is to have something to talk about with other men. So you can be connected to them.
If I got into these things to impress women in some subtle, all together mysterious way that even I do not discern, I would have to be very disappointed with the "results." It is always an excellent line to say that you do everything that you do for your particular woman, but somehow when made into a general statement about all things that all men do (except blogging) it doesn't work anymore. Probably because in the individual case, it is excellent flattery, and in the general case it is, well, an overgeneralisation.
However, Michael has done us all an excellent service in warning us (if a warning was required) against any false Ani DiFranco enthusiasms, and for that we should be grateful.
I also dont' promote the idea that men do not want intimacy though I believe their first instinct is against it - actually I was making (in a poor way) just that point - that men do need these and that perhaps we feel it even more essential than most women do.
Also, I've probably placed far too much on the the Tom Wolfe worldview that everything is status.
You are allowed as much hyperbole as a person who uses phrases like "boring, filthy piglet" but no more than that.